Goodbyes

The countdown until France is 5 days. You'd think that right before leaving the country for 4 months, I'd be feeling any of the following:

nostalgic, nervous, excited, stressed, wistful...

But I don't feel any of those things. Here's what I do feel:

numb, muddled, blank, lethargic, uninspired, unmotivated, unwilling, and sad.

It's because my body and mind can sense change. And the closer it gets, the more I shut down. A week ago I was excited and restless and hopeful. Now I'm just...nothing. There's nothing there.

Part of it is that I'm lousy at goodbyes. And I know that this trip will change everything. It just will. And that's what I want; the only thing scarier than change for me right now is the lack of change. Stagnation. It can't happen. It's time to get moving, and I want to be ready for it. But even if I'm not ready for it, it's coming. I don't need to be ready, I just wish I was.

A month ago I was certain that I would write going away letters to all of my close friends. But I don't think I have the energy now. It's kind of like when you watch a sad movie, and while you're watching it, you want to cry, but you don't actually cry until later when you're at home by yourself. It takes a little bit for it to process. So of course, I will be completely uninspired to write letters before I leave, I'll numbly and unconsciously wave goodbye to everyone, kind of outside of my body, and then after I'm gone, I'll collapse. And poof! Material for brilliant, emotional goodbye letters just comes flooding in. But then it's too late.

So what do I do? Do I force it, so I don't feel like I left with anything left unsaid? Or do I let it be, let my emotions guide me, even if it means that I can't write what I need to write, what I'll regret later for not saying.

Anyway, I'm at least making an Au Revoir Mix/Playlist for myself. Here's what I've drafted so far:

Stars, "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead"
Jeff Buckley, "Last Goodbye"
Neko Case, "Star Witness"
Ryan Adams, "Come Pick Me Up"
The Beach Boys, "God Only Knows"
Gladys Knight & The Pips, "Midnight Train To Georgia"
LCD Soundsystem, "All My Friends"
Imogen Heap, "Goodnight And Go"
Destroyer, "Certain Things You Oughta Know"
Spoon, "I Summon You"
Neutral Milk Hotel, "In The Aeroplane Over The Sea"
Jens Lekman, "Into Eternity"
Coldplay, "The Scientist"
Radiohead, "True Love Waits"
Arcade Fire, "In The Backseat"
The Beatles, "In My Life"
Oasis, "Champagne Supernova"
Coconut Records, "West Coast"
Fiery Furnaces, "Here Comes The Summer"
Bright Eyes, "Make A Plan To Love Me"
Andrew Bird, "Fake Palindromes"
The Shins, "Phantom Limb"
The National, "Mistaken For Strangers"
The Velvet Underground, "Oh! Sweet Nuthin'"
Xiu Xiu, "I Luv The Valley OH!"
Grizzly Bear, "Knife"
Handsome Furs, "What We Had"
Okkervil River, "So Come Back, I'm Waiting"
Band of Horses, "The Funeral"
The Knife, "Heartbeats"
New Pornographers, "These Are The Fables"
Beirut, "Postcards From Italy"
Bjork, "New World"
Pavement, "Shady Lane"
My Bloody Valentine, "Loomer"
The Wrens, "She Sends Kisses"
Cat Power, "The Greatest"
Annie, "Heartbeat"
Rufus Wainwright, "Beautiful Child"
Wilco, "She's A Jar"
Death Cab For Cutie, "A Lack Of Color"
Doves, "There Goes The Fear"
The Killers, "All These Things I've Done"
The Walkmen, "Another One Goes By"
Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Maps"
David Bowie, "Five Years"
Annie Lennox, "Walking On Broken Glass"
Bill Withers, "Ain't No Sunshine"
Counting Crows, "Round Here"
The Verve, "Bittersweet Symphony"
U2, "One"
Guster, "Backyard"
The Postal Service, "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight"
Maroon 5, "Sweetest Goodbye"
Keane, "Bedshaped"
Cranberries, "Linger"
Dan Wilson, "What A Year For A New Year"
Ben Folds, "Smoke"


This list needs a lot of editing, but those are just a bunch of songs that mean something to me. They each mean something different, and vary in importance, but are all special to me somehow. And these are what I want to hear right now.

C'est tout.

Songs of the Week

First post in a month. It feels weird. Anyway, of course it's about music, because I don't write about anything else. Here's what I'm listening to this week:

1. Band of Horses, "No One's Gonna Love You"
Well, this one's a no-brainer. Cease To Begin is so pretty to listen to. It makes me happy.

2. Barry Louis Polisar, "All I Want Is You"
I'm obsessed with the Juno soundtrack. This is the song from the opening credits, and it's just so cute and quaint. I love it.

3. Bright Eyes, "Poison Oak"
I feel quite silly now for having loathed Bright Eyes for so long. It was completely unfounded; I'd only heard one or two of his songs. This album is GORGEOUS and Conor totally gets it. He just gets it exactly right.

4. Built To Spill, "Else"
Again, late on the train for this one. I've been meaning to listen to them for a long time, and I finally have, and I really like this album, Keep It Like A Secret. Haven't listened to Ancient Melodies of the Future yet, but I will soon. This song stuck out to me, for some reason.

5. Hello, Blue Roses, "Sunny Skies"
Damn you, Dan Bejar. Damn you AND your girlfriend. Why? Because you know exactly what to do to make me be madly in love with you. I'm super geeked about the release of this album. This song and "Shadow Falls" are both lovely.

6. Jacques Brel, "Ne Me Quitte Pas"
Trying to get into French mode. Props: Brasher. This song is perfect. There's nothing to say about it, really. It just needs to be listened to by everyone.

7. The Magnetic Fields, "Desert Island"
Just now discovering Holiday, and it sucks that it took me this long to do that, but I'm glad that I know it now because it's terrific.

8. Michael Cera and Ellen Page, "Anyone Else But You"
More from Juno. This is the Moldy Peaches cover that they play together on their guitars at the end of the film. This is the point at which I cried.

9. Okkervil River, "Do What You Gotta Do (Jimmy Webb cover)"
One of the great songs from Sheff & co.'s covers mixtape. Again, a song that makes me cry a little. I actually haven't heard the original; I need to get on that.

10. Radiohead, "A Wolf at the Door."
One of my favorites (along with "There There") from Hail To The Thief. It's a pretty brilliant little tune.

11. Ryan Adams, "Everybody Knows"
I don't know, it's just doing it for me right now. For this genre, as far as voices go, no one does it better than Ryan.

12. The Unicorns, "Sea Ghost"
Just discovered these guys as well. Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone rocks pretty hard. It's exactly the kind of strange, unique sound that I love, love to hear. I ear-gasm'ed when I heard this album.

13. The Wrens, "She Sends Kisses"
There aren't really words for Meadowlands. It's just one of those albums that is so classic and so brilliant, you can't really try to describe it, because it'll just ruin it. This song is grrreeeeeaaattt.


C'est tout!