Goodbyes

The countdown until France is 5 days. You'd think that right before leaving the country for 4 months, I'd be feeling any of the following:

nostalgic, nervous, excited, stressed, wistful...

But I don't feel any of those things. Here's what I do feel:

numb, muddled, blank, lethargic, uninspired, unmotivated, unwilling, and sad.

It's because my body and mind can sense change. And the closer it gets, the more I shut down. A week ago I was excited and restless and hopeful. Now I'm just...nothing. There's nothing there.

Part of it is that I'm lousy at goodbyes. And I know that this trip will change everything. It just will. And that's what I want; the only thing scarier than change for me right now is the lack of change. Stagnation. It can't happen. It's time to get moving, and I want to be ready for it. But even if I'm not ready for it, it's coming. I don't need to be ready, I just wish I was.

A month ago I was certain that I would write going away letters to all of my close friends. But I don't think I have the energy now. It's kind of like when you watch a sad movie, and while you're watching it, you want to cry, but you don't actually cry until later when you're at home by yourself. It takes a little bit for it to process. So of course, I will be completely uninspired to write letters before I leave, I'll numbly and unconsciously wave goodbye to everyone, kind of outside of my body, and then after I'm gone, I'll collapse. And poof! Material for brilliant, emotional goodbye letters just comes flooding in. But then it's too late.

So what do I do? Do I force it, so I don't feel like I left with anything left unsaid? Or do I let it be, let my emotions guide me, even if it means that I can't write what I need to write, what I'll regret later for not saying.

Anyway, I'm at least making an Au Revoir Mix/Playlist for myself. Here's what I've drafted so far:

Stars, "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead"
Jeff Buckley, "Last Goodbye"
Neko Case, "Star Witness"
Ryan Adams, "Come Pick Me Up"
The Beach Boys, "God Only Knows"
Gladys Knight & The Pips, "Midnight Train To Georgia"
LCD Soundsystem, "All My Friends"
Imogen Heap, "Goodnight And Go"
Destroyer, "Certain Things You Oughta Know"
Spoon, "I Summon You"
Neutral Milk Hotel, "In The Aeroplane Over The Sea"
Jens Lekman, "Into Eternity"
Coldplay, "The Scientist"
Radiohead, "True Love Waits"
Arcade Fire, "In The Backseat"
The Beatles, "In My Life"
Oasis, "Champagne Supernova"
Coconut Records, "West Coast"
Fiery Furnaces, "Here Comes The Summer"
Bright Eyes, "Make A Plan To Love Me"
Andrew Bird, "Fake Palindromes"
The Shins, "Phantom Limb"
The National, "Mistaken For Strangers"
The Velvet Underground, "Oh! Sweet Nuthin'"
Xiu Xiu, "I Luv The Valley OH!"
Grizzly Bear, "Knife"
Handsome Furs, "What We Had"
Okkervil River, "So Come Back, I'm Waiting"
Band of Horses, "The Funeral"
The Knife, "Heartbeats"
New Pornographers, "These Are The Fables"
Beirut, "Postcards From Italy"
Bjork, "New World"
Pavement, "Shady Lane"
My Bloody Valentine, "Loomer"
The Wrens, "She Sends Kisses"
Cat Power, "The Greatest"
Annie, "Heartbeat"
Rufus Wainwright, "Beautiful Child"
Wilco, "She's A Jar"
Death Cab For Cutie, "A Lack Of Color"
Doves, "There Goes The Fear"
The Killers, "All These Things I've Done"
The Walkmen, "Another One Goes By"
Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Maps"
David Bowie, "Five Years"
Annie Lennox, "Walking On Broken Glass"
Bill Withers, "Ain't No Sunshine"
Counting Crows, "Round Here"
The Verve, "Bittersweet Symphony"
U2, "One"
Guster, "Backyard"
The Postal Service, "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight"
Maroon 5, "Sweetest Goodbye"
Keane, "Bedshaped"
Cranberries, "Linger"
Dan Wilson, "What A Year For A New Year"
Ben Folds, "Smoke"


This list needs a lot of editing, but those are just a bunch of songs that mean something to me. They each mean something different, and vary in importance, but are all special to me somehow. And these are what I want to hear right now.

C'est tout.